Scattered? Or Exploring?

I didn't expect a word search to make me exhale. I was doing one at the studio, and as my eyes darted all over the grid, then slowed down to get strategic, then wandered again, I caught myself thinking my brain was fighting itself. Not long after, someone told me I seem like such an organized, focused person. I smiled, because they're right. I am. Just not all the time. What they couldn't see was the scattered, searching part that comes before the focus. Later I learned there's a name for that back-and-forth, and it isn't chaos. It's how minds solve problems. Something in me let go.

From thinking and thanking to thinking about thinking

Yesterday, I posted that it was a day of thinking and thanking. I'd just gotten home from traveling, I kept a promise to the people who had shown up for a class that didn't happen, and one of our attendees shared her story in a conversation I didn't plan for. I left inspired, and with a lot on my mind. Apparently, that thinking didn't stop. Today it just moved into a puzzle book.

If you've ever done a word search, you know the feeling. Your eyes scan across, then down, then all over the place, hoping a word jumps out. Sometimes it does. Other times you slow down and get methodical, hunting for one specific letter, or two letters sitting side by side. Then you get stuck, and the scanning starts again. Scattered, strategic, scattered, strategic.

In the moment, it felt like a loss of control. I remember thinking, is something wrong with my brain? I feel all over the place.

I even wrote it in the margin: "The way my mind approaches a crossword puzzle is quite telling. A bit scattered. Randomly strategic & methodical, but a bit spastic and unorderly." (Yes, I called it a crossword. It was a word search. Scattered, remember?)

Both things are true

So when someone told me I seem organized and focused, I had to smile. I am. People see the lists, the plans, the follow-through. What they don't see is the wandering, searching part that comes first. The part I'd just been calling "my brain fighting itself."

It turns out there's a name for it

I got curious, and went looking. Researchers call one version of this the explore vs. exploit tradeoff: we explore our options, commit to one, and go back to exploring when things change. Psychologists also talk about divergent and convergent thinking: one opens up possibilities, the other narrows them down to an answer.

When researchers studied top crossword champions, a close cousin of my word search, mental flexibility, the ability to hold several ideas and switch between them, was one of the skills they mentioned most. Even those "aha" moments that seem to come out of nowhere are, according to insight researchers, built up by brain activity happening beforehand.

My scattered part wasn't getting in the way. It was doing the groundwork.

Partners, not opposites

I've spent a lot of time thinking of "organized me" as the good version and "all over the place me" as the one to manage. Now I see them differently. They take turns. One wanders so the other has something to work with. Neither one is in charge for long, and that's the point.

Thinking about my thinking

There's a saying I love about thinking about what you think about, noticing the stories our minds tell us. This was a little different. I wasn't noticing what I was thinking. I was noticing how. Both have a name: metacognition, which literally means thinking about thinking.

Maybe that's the real gift of slowing down long enough to notice. It's part of why I built NaRose around making, movement, and mindfulness. Sometimes a crochet hook, a stretch, or yes, a word search, is what gives your mind room to show you something about itself.

Thinking, and thanking

Yesterday was a day of thinking and thanking. Today, I'm adding one more thank you, to the part of me I almost called a problem.

So, is something wrong with my brain? No. It was exploring.

If you've ever felt scattered and wondered the same thing, maybe the answer is: nothing is wrong with you either. Maybe you're exploring too.

When do you notice your mind wandering, and what has it found for you lately?